Freedom's · Quest

Well as of valentine's day I am once again single. He came home from being on the road for a month and announced that we are getting divorced. My only response was to ask him what the hell took so long! After 6 years in a unhappy marriage I have my Freedom back..and I will tell you now any person who tries to take it from me again will be tossed out and never be part of my life again!


Thankfully he left the children with me. Even though he tried to take my son, but he changed his mind thank god. I couldnt imagine losing any of my little ones.


So now I have $800 to buy a car with, plus I need to try and find some sort of work at home job I can do with the littles around. Monday I am going down and applying for foodstamps and welfare. Lets hope I get both cause I dont think I will make it without them.


For now I just take it a day at a time. I have always made it through things before and see no reason why I cant this time as well. Just have to keep my head up and not let stupid stuff get to me.

Well I dont know if anyone will ever read this or not. Really doesnt matter I guess since this is more for me then anything.


Ok for any who do read this please bear with me a lot of this first is gonna be boring but I have never written it down before and I think I need to. Every bit of what I write here is the truth. This is not some wild story a kid though up. It has all happened to me. If you believe it or not does not matter to me what nor will I try and prove to anyone that this is true. The only thing that matters is that I need to write this down so that it will not be forgotten.


To get started a bit of background on myself. I am 28 years old. I was born October 27th 1978 in Belleflower CA. My birth mother gave me up the day I was born but somehow(I have never made sense of how) ended up living near my adopted parents and was allowed to visit me. When I was 2 years old I went to visit her one day and she took me to nebraska(this is what I was told). I lived in nebraska till I was 8 years old(most with my birth mother but some in foster care) except for a few month trip to anaheim when I was 5 to see my grandparents. I had just turned 8 when these people showd up and started taking me places, buying me anything I wanted and just in general being very much the parents I had always wished to have. So when the judge asked me who I wanted to live with it did not take me but a moment to decide to go with these new people. So I was moved back to california(santa cruz this time) and was soon to realize I went from one horror story to another one. But this one I was not to escape from until I was 14. Not from lack of trying mind you, but I did not trust foster care or anyone who had anything to do with "the system". I mean if they had managed to let me go to a bad home once why should it be different if I was to trust them again? Well I had always had this feeling that I was gonna end up living on the streets(dont think I really knew about homeless back then but ever since I was about 7 I had wanted to travel) so when I came home one day and once again got met at the door with a belt I had enough and I hit back, then I left and went to where I felt I belonged. Of course I got caught a couple of times(stupid kid mistakes mostly) ended up in foster homes and after the first one called my "parents" to come get me(they were walking in as I was walking out..they didnt even try to stop me) I never stayed for more then a day or two. My home was the streets for there I had the freedom that I needed to be able to find out who I was instead of who others tried to force me to be. There was a place in Santa Cruz at the time called the Back 40 it was a tent city and there I met the first person to ever truly see me. His name was Boxcar and he taught me a lot about surviving on my own like how to stay warm at night(cardboard even one piece under you does wonders) and how to trust people again(specially men) for a few months he was everything to me..till the day he put me on a bus to San Francisco and said he would meet me there..of course he didnt. My first lesson to never, ever trust what someone says(though there have been a few exceptions to this rule). I spent the next few years wandering between the Frisco area and LA(with a few side trips here and there but more on that later). Mainly I was in LA, I felt welcome there and though it was very rough being on the streets it was something I needed at the time. You see somewhere along the way I had managed to locate my family in anaheim and they would let me go stay with them whenever I wanted to. But they never tried to force me to stay, I think they knew if they did I would run and I wouldnt come back. You see they were my family in name but the other street kids were my family in my heart and if it had come down to it I know which I would have choose. So I would sometimes stay in anaheim for a few weeks but always I would wander off again. My papa even got a 800 number just so I could call them whenever I wanted to. After a few years I finally started feeling like I knew who I was..thanks mainly to a few very special people who I may talk about later...

And then when I was 16 came a blow I had not really expected..I was staying at a youth shelter in hollywood and they had some people coem in from the drop-in clinic to do a presentaion on HIV. Well I sat listening to the symptoms and remembering a time when I was in berkeley and had got really bad sick from a simple cold. By the time the presentation was over I had realized that I was positive. I got tested the next day and knew for sure a week later. But even the fact that I had put it all together and knew did not prepare me to actually hear it. 16 years old and I was told I wouldnt live to see 18. I told them they were crazy if they though a little sickness could bring me down..but inside I was falling apart..I spent a few months wandering north hollywood and santa monica trying to pull myself together and figure out what the heck to do now..more then likely I would have stayed there till it was to late but once again life had other plans for me. It was in front of McDonalds on Sunset and Laurel canyon the I met by pure chance one of the sweetest mose caring people in the world. I was sitting there hoping to get enough change to buy some food for me and my dogs(always I had dogs..they are family to me)when this girl showed up walking her own dog..she asked me if I would hold her dogs leash while she went and got some food. Well no problem there I was always ready to help...well we ended up talking and she gave me a address and told me I could stay in her boyfriends place since he was gone for awhile..I wasnt sure but I showed up anyway and sure enough I had a place to stay..she helped me out, even took my dog Kilan(my first pitty bull) to the vet when I first found her very sick and injured..sometimes she would take me places with her which I found just amazing(yes she is someone important but I will not say who, I respect her to much to do that) to think someone who could be friends with basically anyone they wanted would take the time to pay attention to me...well I spent a good 3-4 months there before her bf came back at which point I left without even thinking to get a number or anything.. but I came away from there a much better person and I was finally ready to start living again..truthfully she gave me back my belief in people that I had lost years ago as a small child.


I about 2 more years wandering..everywhere from hollywood to reno...doing all sorts of stuff from just taking in the world to at one point traveling from one Pow-Wow to another(long story there and a rather cute one if I may say so myself)..there are a lot of stories I can still tell about this time in my life and maybe later I will do so but for now atleat you know something of who I am and why it is so important to me to regain that which has been lost to me for 6 years. My freedom.